I'm waiting for something, but I'm not sure what. All I know is that I'm waiting for something, to make me feel like I have a purpose. Like there's someone who needs me. Like, my life is headed towards something great, and not towards something meaningless and dead-end.
It's all been building up, slowly, but still it's been building up, and now, the thought of it - my future, well it gets me in a nervous state - butterflies in my tummy and knots in my throat, and I turn to the worst excuse to calm myself down, nicotine. I blame that on you, by the way.
Sometimes, I blame it on my parents. I know that's so stupid, them being my greatest providers and my biggest supporters, in terms of chasing my 'dreams'. Well, I always think it's their dream. You know, going through the whole science route, getting a reputable job under the government, so that my career has the utmost stability and longevity. And I played along with it, I always played along with it, believing that that's what I wanted. My brother did it, and they're so proud of him. I can't live up those expectations, and I feel like because of him being such a... how do I put this gently... 'momma's boy who kisses ass and carries a 'giant rule book' around with him, wherever he goes, I have nothing in common with him.
And then came the secondary school streaming, and that's when it started to build up - this immense feeling of disdain for a world with no depth. So I made the first step, hoping that I'd get onto the track I was actually meant for - getting into a polytechnic. The courage I had to build up to tell my parents that, it took quite awhile, but to my surprise, they said okay. They only had one condition - you better get your ass into a reputable university and get a degree.
My thoughts went wild, looking through brochure after brochure, going to open houses, getting so excited and enthusiastic. So many choices, so many fields of study, so many types of lives I could lead, and it all came down to what I chose. Something art related, perhaps. Always been a fan of the arts, but I never nourished that interest enough, because I was always occupied with having scientific knowledge shoved down my throat.
So I made the second step; all prepared with my speech with reasons and back-up arguments. Arts related? they asked. Oh but the stability in that, the longevity in that. The constant fear of whether or not your career would see another day. But I argued back, saying that's what I really wanted to do, and they said okay. Weeks went by and their words haunted me and all I could think about was if my choice, the one I believed I would love, would be the right one. I caved in, and I ended up here.
And everyday, the disgust I feel towards everything, it's built up and I've crashed. For so long, I watched the competitiveness and how close-minded everyone was. I didn't see it for so long, but now I see it so clearly, and it disgusts me so much.
I've realized, after so long, that I'm not myself around these people. I have nothing in common with them, besides the occasional small talk about food and exams. It's all about the exams you know? There's a test tomorrow, there's a report next week, there's and exam next month. I like science, but there's no love. I like it and I find it interesting, but being tested on something I show mere interest in, it ruins the appeal. I just want to talk about something I like, for a change, like music. Yes, I want to sit down and talk about music, and nothing else. But I can't, because everyone's so... how do I say this without sounding like a tool.... mainstream? No one here knows about Mumford & Sons or Nick Drake or Cat Power. I'm not myself around anyone - family AND friends. No one, not a single person. I've not met someone who I can be my complete self with and it's come to a point where I long to be myself, and my soul, it's exhausted. I scroll down Facebook and Twitter, and I see all theses status updates and tweets, and what used to intrigue me, bores me.
I feel like I haven't lived enough yet. The thought of graduating, then serving the nation right after, and then going to college right after, and then getting a job right after, and then having responsibilities that keep piling up one after another, it frightens me. My throat gets dry, my heart palpitates ferociously and I head for the nicotine which makes my mind feel light, when normally, it's so weighted by all the thinking and all the worrying.
All I can think about now is 'what if?' What if I'd done what I wanted to do, and met different people, and didn't feel so empty and didn't feel like there was no meaning to my life? If I had done what I wanted, I feel like I could've met some great people, and I could've made some amazing friends who I'm my complete self with. My life, it's all planned out - for the next 10 years, next 30 years, next 50 years. It's all planned out and that scares me so much. I haven't lived. I haven't experienced any out-of-the-world experiences.Maybe there's a chance for me still, to make my life more worthwhile. To put more pizazz into what now is so lifeless. Maybe I could meet people I actually had things in common with.
Or maybe the thought of salvaging any hope there is for me to find some significance is just a thought, and nothing else.
