And here my friends is the mandatory post-breakup entry. I could write paragraph after paragraph, explaining the itty bitty details of the whole situation, but to prevent any possible future explosion of emotions, I shall void the telling of the tale and go on to MY FEELINGS. Don't be afraid, they're only feelings, so you can slowly shift your mouse away from that little cross up in that corner, and continue reading. Trust me, I'm not going to write about how I want to kill myself or how I want to slit my wrists and go join a cult and whatever impulsive things people do when they get hurt. In fact, I'm going to do the exact opposite! Okay, maybe I'll throw in some sappy jibber jabber like I always do, just for my loyal readers (yes, I'm talking about the less-than-10 people that are kind enough to show some sort of interest into my life).
Well it starts like this: I've been doing everything I can to distract myself from thinking about all that's happened - going places, meeting people, doing things. Whatever I can to just stop thinking, because the difference between me thinking and the rest of the world thinking is how my thoughts escalate into worry and then paranoia and then I start having the case of some horrifying mood swings. By the way, I dearly apologize to those that have to suffer because of it. Well yes, I've been distracting myself and so far it's been good. Maybe it isn't the brightest of ideas, but for now, and yes I'm trying to think about the now, it's what's been helping me get through it all.
To be honest, I'm not really sure where my feelings stand at the moment. I'm not really sure how to properly categorize them, actually. Okay, to give some sort of idea, it could probably be described as a cross between relief and disappointment. Is there a word for such a feeling? Relief because well, let's face it, the times I was with you, I enjoyed, but the times I wasn't, which was pretty much most of the days throughout the course of our bumpy relationship, I felt like I didn't have anyone. So I guess I could say that I feel relieved that the distractions I used to get from your ignorance are long gone, and I can start focusing on the things and people that matter the most to me. And then there's disappointment, mostly because I keep thinking about what I could've done differently. Isn't that always the case though? But I know I did whatever I could to make it last, and I was patient and tolerant, and I never failed to offer help and I just did whatever I could to express my love, even though I never got anything in return.
People ask me what I miss the most, and I always get stumped. I never know what to say. I could give the generic "I miss having you there for me", "I miss talking to you", "I miss hanging out" and all that kind of stuff, but I can't. I can't miss you being there for me because you weren't really there. I can't miss talking to you, because you never really talked. I can't miss hanging out because you were too busy to meet me. So if I can't miss things, then how do you want me to feel about all of this?
I loved you, and I won't deny that. I fell in love with you, despite all the flaws and all the arguments and all the frustration. But now it's over, and I'll put that love into this tiny part of my heart I reserve for all my past loves. I'll say goodbye once and for all, and I'll lock our love up. I'll lock it up tight and hide the key, praying that I don't ever have to open that tiny little door again.
I'm a sappy romantic. I can be as tacky as can be, and I can love so hard till it empowers you. I'm not ashamed of that. I guess watching too many Disney movies when I grew up molded my heart into something so strong but fragile at the same time. My expectations are high, and always have been. Maybe that's my problem though.
So, goodbye my almost lover. I wish you nothing but the best. I didn't like how it ended, but I can't do anything to change that. It is is what it is, and I accept everything that's happened. I honestly want you to be happy. But in the meantime, it's time for me to pick myself up and move on. There will be nights where I'll lay in bed and just think about you and think about everything else in my life that's gone wrong. There will be nights where I'll cry and breakdown and I'll see no point in living. Yes, there will be those nights, but I'm prepared, because I know I'll be alright. I know it. I can feel it.
