"What are you doing here?"
"I told you I'd see you again"
"I stopped hoping."
"Baby, I love you. I'll do anything for you."
"Then why aren't you ever there when I need you?"
"You know why..."
"Yeah."
"But I'm here now."
"Yeah. For how long though?"
He didn't reply. He knew he couldn't. It was out of his control. What could he say that would make me feel better?
"Love, stop crying would you? It kills me to see you sad." he kneeled down in front of me and with his own hands, wiped the tears away.
My eyes were sore - tired from all the crying. I don't even remember how long I'd been crying for. I don't even remember how I got here. I didn't want to. As the tears dried up, my cheeks felt a surge of a sudden, icy breeze, and it sent me into an uncontrollable shiver.
"Love, are you cold?" He crawled from where he knelt and moved towards me, sitting beside me. He wrapped his arms around me and rocked me. The shivering subsided, and his embrace warmed me up. I couldn't get over how warm he felt. Even warmer than how I remembered. I looked at him, red-eyed from all the crying, and he was looking right at me. Those big brown eyes. Everything about him, everything I ever loved, it seemed a gazillion times amplified.
"I missed this"
He smiled, "I missed you," and then his smile disappeared and his face became worrisome, "I'm sorry," he said.
"For?"
"For hurting you."
"You didn't. He did. You could never hurt me."
"I couldn't, and I wouldn't. Ah, doesn't that rhyme?" he chuckled.
"I forgot how your laugh sounded."
"Maybe because I barely laughed."
"You were pretty serious all the time. But you're different here."
"How so?"
"You're just.... different."
"That explains it all doesn't it?"
"I see the sarcasm hasn't left you at all though." I closed my eyes, and continued to enjoy his embrace and the rhythmic movements of his gentle rocking, and then he whispered something in my ear, "Love, open your eyes."
I opened them and there we were, in front of hundreds, all looking at us. I shut my eyes quickly, counting to five, hoping that if I opened them again, we'd be back to where we were – alone, secluded, in the middle of nowhere – something I really wanted. I didn't need anybody else. All I wanted was him.
"Take me back."
"No."
"I don't want all of this."
"You always said you'd wish we could be normal for once."
"But I..."
"Here's our chance."
"Take me back."
"No."
"I don't want all of this."
"You always said you'd wish we could be normal for once."
"But I..."
"Here's our chance."
He leaned in, caressed my cheek, now warm, and kissed me. He kissed me harshly, while I stayed frozen in his grasp. He wanted it to be real, but I couldn't join in on the fantasy. He wrapped both arms around me, hoping that with time, I'd come around and feel the same way. But I wasn't buying it, and all I could think of were the bitter memories.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"I can't. I can't keep pretending that you didn't break me."
"It wasn't me. You know that. It was him."
"It was still you."
"I can't. I can't keep pretending that you didn't break me."
"It wasn't me. You know that. It was him."
"It was still you."
He leaned in again, but I stepped back. We were back to where we were again – alone, secluded, in the middle of nowhere – but I didn't want this anymore. I shut my eyes tightly, hoping that when I opened them, we'd be somewhere crowded again.
I opened my eyes and he was gone. All I could see were hundreds of people again, faces blurred, but voices louder than ever. I walked through the crowd, which seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. Soon, I found myself pushing past people and getting stepped on, but I kept going. I didn't know where though, but my body, it did all the walking, and it led me to a couch. There he was, sitting, surrounded by all of his friends, laughing and drinking the night away. He looked at me, and asked me to come over, but I couldn't. I never met his friends before. I only heard stories. Stories of their exciting adventures. He got up, and walked towards me.
I opened my eyes and he was gone. All I could see were hundreds of people again, faces blurred, but voices louder than ever. I walked through the crowd, which seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. Soon, I found myself pushing past people and getting stepped on, but I kept going. I didn't know where though, but my body, it did all the walking, and it led me to a couch. There he was, sitting, surrounded by all of his friends, laughing and drinking the night away. He looked at me, and asked me to come over, but I couldn't. I never met his friends before. I only heard stories. Stories of their exciting adventures. He got up, and walked towards me.
"You disappeared. Why?" I asked. I started tearing up again.
"You made me disappear."
"Don't say that. Don't lie to me again."
"Don't say that. Don't lie to me again."
He leaned in, searching for another kiss, this time, I let him. I let him kiss me with his moist lips, and this time, it felt good. This time, I let it feel good. This time, I stopped thinking. Slightly, he parted his lips, and I did the same. He let his tongue wander around inside my mouth, and I let him. Our tongues touched, and could taste the nicotine. I could feel his warm breath fill the inside of my mouth and I travel down my throat. He placed both hands on my cheeks and grasped me tightly, kissing me more intensely. And then I started to think again, and my body, it stiffened. I retreated from the kiss, and released myself from his firm hold.
"Hold me," I said. All I wanted was for him to hold me. I didn't want to talk and I didn't want to kiss. I didn't want to meet his friends nor did I want to hold his hand. All I wanted was for him to hold me. He wrapped his arms around me, and I buried my face in his chest, eyes welling up with tears. I missed the smell of his cologne.
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
"Do you hear that?"
"Yeah."
"We don't have much time anymore."
"Stop worrying so much."
"I love you."
"I love you more."
"That's not possible."
"I'm sorry, again."
"I know you are."
"I never want you to forget that."
"I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"Of going back."
"Be strong, baby. I know you, and I know there's a fighter inside of you."
"I feel like everything's been going downhill ever since that day. Like, I've lost my way, and I'm trying so hard to get back to where I was, but I can't. I keep going in the wrong directions, and it's screwing with my head."
"Again, I'm sorry."
"Just tell me everything will be okay. I need to hear it from you."
"I wish I could tell you that. I wish I could tell you that when you go back, you'll be okay, but I don't know that for sure, and I don't want to lie to you."
"Please?"
"Just know that I'm always here, and you'll see whenever you want to see me."
"I wish you'd go back with me."
"I love you, kid."
"I love you, boy."
"Be strong."
"I'll try."
"Yeah."
"We don't have much time anymore."
"Stop worrying so much."
"I love you."
"I love you more."
"That's not possible."
"I'm sorry, again."
"I know you are."
"I never want you to forget that."
"I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"Of going back."
"Be strong, baby. I know you, and I know there's a fighter inside of you."
"I feel like everything's been going downhill ever since that day. Like, I've lost my way, and I'm trying so hard to get back to where I was, but I can't. I keep going in the wrong directions, and it's screwing with my head."
"Again, I'm sorry."
"Just tell me everything will be okay. I need to hear it from you."
"I wish I could tell you that. I wish I could tell you that when you go back, you'll be okay, but I don't know that for sure, and I don't want to lie to you."
"Please?"
"Just know that I'm always here, and you'll see whenever you want to see me."
"I wish you'd go back with me."
"I love you, kid."
"I love you, boy."
"Be strong."
"I'll try."
"Goodbye."
"Bye."
"Bye."
And I wake up, welcomed by the darkness of my room. And I have one more hour till I have to face everyone again, so I lay there in bed – not thinking – and I swear, just for a second, I could taste the nicotine on my lips.
